8 weeks 3 days post op....

Many of you have been asking me what the heck happened - we thought this was suppose to be out patient surgery!?! You should be better by now! 

Well the long and short is yes I SHOULD be better by now... That is if the surgery had gone according to plan. But it didn't. And I'm not. 

When I found out I had the hernia - and the type of hernia I had - I knew I was going to have the surgery. And I had an weird feeling it wasn't going to go well. I scheduled the surgery as soon as the doc could get me in on his schedule - knowing that if I had any major pains prior I had to goto the ER asap. Luckily I didn't have to do that. But I kept saying to Todd and my mom - I have a bad feeling about this surgery. I just don't think it's going to go as planned. And of corse - trying to keep me positive they would both say it's going to be fine and go just as planned. It will be ok! 

I tell you there is something about when you become a mother you develop this 6th sense. The one that can see danger before it happens. I've said that multiple times about the boys and all have come true 😁 - and I sensed it about this surgery. BUT I knew I had to do the surgery and I knew I had a wonderful surgeon that was going to keep me safe. 

So I wake up from surgery in A. L. O. T. of pain. I looked at the clock and noticed my 45 min surgery had lasted close to 3 hours. I asked the nurse if everything went as planned and was I going home. She said she thought so. I asked if I had a big incision. She said no, she didn't think so. (Basically she had no clue about anything) they had already taken out my catheter and in her mind she was waiting for the discharge papers. It took about 30 min to get my pain under control and by that point I was realizing that there was more to the story than she knew. After waiting an hour I asked if my husband could come in. She went and got Todd and he proceeded to tell us what happened and I was NOT being discharged. 

This is what happened. 

 I debated sharing this picture. It's gross. My stomach is SOOOOO swollen. I have 35 staples. But I don't think people grasp the gravity of my surgery until they see this picture. I did blur it out so you arnt totally grossed out - but you get the idea. 8 inch vertical incision with 5, yes FIVE laparoscopic entrance points. 

Basically what happened was doc went in with the laparoscopic entrance points and found that from the surgery (where the doctor almost killed me) she had also created a lot of scar tissue and my intestines were adhered to my abdominal wall. He couldn't do anything or see anything without opening me up and start taking down all the adhesions. They were so bad that he ended up having to stitch up a large portion of my intestines. He said he never saw a full perforation but because of the adhesions it was so thin he was afraid my intentions might rupture if he didn't stich them up. Then after my hernia was fixed and so were my intestines - he added a piece of 'mesh' so that I wouldn't have another hernia develop. The mesh was attached to my abdominal wall with 40 tacks. 

Off I went to recovery and my extra super 7 day long hospital stay. 

After being released from the hospital I was put on restrictions for 8 weeks post op. Which meant I can't pick up anything more than 10 lbs for 8 weeks. Luckily this time my boys are both bigger and I truly didn't pick up anything at all. I have the best support system. My mom came over and did laundry. My dad came over and did dishes. Todd made sure the boys were taken care of. I had friends bring dinners. Friends take my kids. Friends take care of the dogs. Friends come over to bring lunch and 'babysit' me. A friend I've known since elementary school who is now a surgeon and actually shadowed under my doctor at one point - took time out of her day to reassure me on more than one occasion. Care packages from complete strangers praying for me. The outpouring of support was incredible. I seriously couldn't ask for better friends. How did I get so lucky?  

Even with all the support - sitting on the couch day in and day out can be trying on you. I've probably cried more tears in the past 8 weeks than I have in the last 8 years. Why? Because I have a pain that won't. Go. Away. 

At 2 weeks post op my surgeon said 'oh yeah. That was our original entrance point. It's going to be sore - take longer to heal. Then at 4 weeks post op when it still hadn't gone away he said 'well it could be your new normal'. My new what?!! The pain is so bad it stops me dead in my tracks. Tears develop in my eyes because it hurts so bad until I sit down and then eventually laying down makes it go away. 

Second Doctor said the same thing. 

Third same. 

Basically they think that when the mesh was attached with the tacks it could be attached in that one spot to a nerve - only fix - surgery which probably wouldn't fix it. And nerve medicine. Which takes 4 - 6 weeks to notice anything. But I couldn't start that medicine until 8 weeks post op because 'it still could get better' 

We had planned a trip to St. Louis. I was not going to ruin this trip. I doped up on pain meds and pushed through all the walking. I did ok. 

The pain sorta got better for a few days last week. Not gone but not as strong. And then it came back again. With a vengeance. 

Monday the doctor put me on nerve medicine. He said it's worth a shot but that he was hopeful since it did go away for a few days - that maybe you just needed more rest. Maybe instead of 8 weeks of restrictions - I needed 12 weeks or even 4 months. 

I've gained 10+ pounds sitting on the couch for 8 weeks. I've watched more Netflix series from start to finish I can't even count. The thought of sitting on the couch for 8 more weeks is daunting. I'm bored. Tired of sitting. Depressed. You name it. 

Yesterday I tried to sit at my computer and do some work. I had a deadline of sept 15th that I knew I wasn't going to be able to make - but in my mind I could by the end of September. I sat for an hour in my chair and I was in pain the rest of the day. Today I sat there for 15 min and it started hurting. I stopped.  

Right now I've just decided I'm going to sit. While the kids are at school I will sit. My kids may have lunchables in their lunch everyday becaus I haven't had a chance to goto the store - but that's just how it's going to be. They are in heaven btw. (And I'm fairly sure it's because there is a piece of candy in them - mom you don't put dessert in our lunches unless there is a lunchable 😝)

So that's that. Let's hope a few more weeks of couch sitting and/or the nerve medicine starts working. 

If you need me you know where to find me. 

Thanks for all the love and support - if you made it to the end of this long drawn out post - thank you for reading! Ha! 

Xoxo 

Katie 

BTW - suggestions for Netflix series and or book recommendations?!! 

Ohhhh I almost forgot. The reason for starting up my blog to begin with.... IVF. The big question everyone has been wanting to ask and very few have actually asked. Are you still going to do the frozen transfer? The answer is no, and maybe. Right now I just don't see it being ok. The doctors say that a few months post op the mesh should be fine to get pregnant again. But I just don't know if I'm up for the complications it might bring. Is it worth it? Being sick again? My boys have been through more than they should in their short lives. But we really want another baby. Who knows what will happen. What the next year will bring. So as of now we have no plans to use the final embryo. But who knows..... What will 2016 bring. I never thought 2014 would be as crazy as it was (the flood) and 2015 has proved crazier (IVF & the surgery that just won't go away) 

We shall see.

Nothing is ever as you plan.

SOOOO. It's almost August. The month we were suppose to start the next round of IVF. We decided that even though the last round was hard - I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I left that one embryo untouched. So I wouldn't have to repeat a $600 test required by the FDA every 6 months the August/September cycle was the cycle I would need to be on. I've been mentally preparing myself to jump on the bandwagon and get it started.... 

And in early June i noticed a bulge on my stomach. I showed it to Todd  and a few friends who all said I needed to get it checked out. Well I was frankly done with doctors and didn't want to make an appointment just for that. So a month later i casually brought it up at a routine doctors visit. I thought it could be a cyst from the fertility meds - The doc immediately had suspicions of a hernia (never even on my radar - even though one friend suspected that) and asked if I wanted to have a follow up CT scan. I decided that yes, for my piece of mind I would like to have the scan. He told me that a lot of times hernias can develop from incisions and it wouldn't be any big deal to wait till another surgery (c-section or something else) to have it repaired. I asked him what it involved and he suspected it was just some fat tissue that had broken through and they would just push it back in and sew it up - no big deal. 

So I go into the CT thinking it's going to tell me I have a 'fat' hernia and I will live with it. Well naturally that wasn't the case. Of corse I have a hernia that involves more than fat. It's a part of my intestines (insert eye roll here). AND can not be left untreated. Oh yah and the only cure is surgery (insert huge annoyance here). 

So here I sit. On the eve of my 11th or 12th surgery (I've seriously lost count now) hoping everything goes smoothly tomorrow and it is as 'routine' as a surgery I have can be. 

I always have to look at the positive. Do I like having surgery - uh no. BUT i am alive and semi-well. Have a beautiful family - and am thankful I'm not pregnant right now dealing with this issue. I can only imagine the pain I would be going through. 

So - I guess the answer to the long awaited question is yes, we will be trying the last embryo - And hopefully before the end of 2015 - BUT it's not going to be the timeline I had expected. I will wait until I am healthy and cleared by my doctors to proceed. 

Good vibes in the morning please! :) 

What's next? - IVF Journey

Family night at Bedlam

The past few days have been good. Friday was a tough day - but at the last min we got tickets to the bedlam game at OneOK field - had a wonderful time with just our family. Cooper had a baseball tournament Saturday & Sunday - I was able to stay busy - which is exactly what I needed. Saturday morning was a little rough... but I got the best hug from the sweetest girl at just the right time. We really truly are a very blessed family. We have the most amazing family and friends. It was only fitting that Friday night I had a delayed allergic reaction to the progesterone shots and found out on Monday that these gems (giant itchy welts on my bum) could be with me for the next 2 weeks...... Fun times for sure! 

Waiting for the doc watching the tornado's in OKC

Today we had our follow up appointment with our doctor. I don't know why but I have not been looking forward to this appointment - They had an appointment Monday I could of taken but decided to wait until Todd could come. There wasn't anything I was expecting my doctor to say. I knew what she was going to say - I knew there was a 40% chance the embryo would take - I knew that meant the odds were not in our favor. I think i just didn't want to bring back up all those emotions. I've been really good the past two days. Had a great support system this weekend - stayed busy. But walking into the office today just brought it all back up again.

The doc was running late - which was fine. I knew she spent the time with us before and others had to wait so I was totally fine waiting. But siting there was brutal. I kept trying to keep conversation away from the obvious. Its spring time in Oklahoma and unfortunately there was a tornado emergency in OKC so we live streamed the coverage for 30 min waiting on her. Passed the time, which I was thankful for. 

I knew what I wanted to do but asked her which would be better. Give my body a break for a few months and then put in the last embryo - or get on the next cycle and go for it now. I was happy to hear her response of giving my body a break. I now can enjoy my summer by the pool.... with sangria in hand! HA! : ) 

So the plan for now is this - take the summer off and do the FET (frozen embryo transfer) cycle in September. 

I'd be lying to everyone if I didn't say I wasn't overly confident. I go into this next round VERY pessimistic. But I don't think I could live with myself if we didn't use the one last embryo. All the what if's - I want to leave this process knowing we did everything we could - and leaving that last embryo would mean we didn't do everything we could. 

I want to thank everyone for your support. I know I keep saying that but I truly mean it and can't express my gratitude enough. I'm so glad I decided to put this all out there. Don't get me wrong, posting Friday was one of the hardest things i've done - Todd still hasn't read it. The love i've received from the high high's and low low's has just been amazing. 

xoxo

The Blood Test - IVF Journey

<0.5 HCG - What does that mean? Well It means it was negative and the round of IVF was unsuccessful. Am I sad, disappointed, mad, angry, annoyed ---- The answer is yes.

I don't know what else to say other than the numerous calls and texts this morning really made the waiting go by much faster... and I thank you guys for that. Thank you for following us on our journey. We don't know if this is the end of the line for us or not yet. We do have 1 frozen embryo that we can still use but right now i'm not sure we are going to go through it again or not.

We have a follow up with our doctor on Wednesday. I've only gotten to talk to Todd on the phone - so there will be a long discussion before we make any more decisions.

For now i'm going to be sad - kids get out of school in 3 hours and going to surprise them with going to see the avengers.... cooper got it taken away - call me a bad mom for not sticking to my guns and saying he can't go.... but tonight i can't sit at home with a sad 8 year old while his brother goes and sees the movie he's been waiting for for over a year. and guess what. i'm going to embrace the boy mom title and go see it with them.

Thank you so much for following us on this journey. While I am sad at this outcome I hope that i've brought some light to the scary dark place that is infertility.

(silver lining.... no more progesterone shots! HA!)

xoxo

The Waiting Game - IVF Journey

So yeah. The phrase 'hurry up and wait' has been uttered sooooooo many times in this process. Now we are in the 'lets wait' phase. I did lay on the couch for 3 days after the transfer. One of the medicines they had me on after the retrieval had made me crazy and super sick. I was just starting to feel better when the transfer day came - but thought it would be best to rest for 3 days just in case.

We've been keeping busy with baseball and more baseball. I really haven't thought too much about my blood test that is at the end of the week. I was just thinking tonight driving to the grocery store 'i can't believe i just went through IVF'. For so long I was so not doing it - and this all happened so fast I still can't believe that it happened and is already over. Overall i'm feeling good. The shots have been totally fine - lidocaine is my friend. I can't imagine having to do them without it.

Todd is kinda cracking me up. I said from the beginning that I didn't want to take a pregnancy test before the blood test. I just wanted to wait it out (for those of you that know me this is TOTALLY NOT my personality) I figured we've waited this long and there isn't any issues with timing - we know that all that possibly could be done has been done so i just wanted to wait. Todd asked me 2 days ago and said 'Well do you have a test at home?' I was like no! I don't want one and plus we are like 10 days off from test day dude! LOL He's asked me twice since then. (I think someone is a little excited)

But for now we wait.

I realized in the last post I said I didn't goto run for fun because I didn't want people asking me questions and i'm afraid it came out wrong. See I had been on meds the previous 4 days before that which were making me crazy. I felt like shit. my mind was racing. my head was throbbing. and I felt like i might burst out in tears if anyone said anything at all to me.... so it wasn't that I didn't want people to ask me questions because I didn't want to answer them... it was because I didn't want to embarrass myself with my crazy-crying self.

I feel that I've over shared - but have been overwhelmed with the support from everyone. From the funny texts about my uterus to the shirtless men pics - you guys seriously rock my world!

Thank you Thank you Thank you!

xoxo

Day 5 Embryo Transfer - IVF Journey - The last few days

Talk about an emotional roller coaster...... This process is brutal! Night after my retrieval i didn't sleep AT ALL.... I was awake all night. Don't know if it was the meds or what but I got less than 3 hours of sleep.... So Friday, Day after retrieval was not starting out to be a good day... Friday was the day I got my first look at how many of the 7 eggs made embryo's.  Its funny how one little number can change your mood in an instant. I logged onto my portal and my heart just sank.

Out of 7 eggs only 5 were viable and then only 3 fertilized AND there was no grade on them. I thought we were done. I just had it in my mind that it wasn't going to work. 3 embryos wasn't enough (I didn't think). I cried. ALL.DAY.LONG. It was bad.... the ugly cry. I only talked to Todd and my IVF friend. She assured me that it was ok and that 3 was good! All you need is one she kept saying!

I was an emotional basket case - I mean they pump you up with all these hormones - I knew it was all in my head so I tried really hard not to let anyone see. I was in car pool line and a friend called and I didn't answer it. I knew if I answered it I would burst into tears and I was about to have two little boys in my car I didn't need to scare.
I had left a message with my nurse earlier in the day asking about the fact that there were only 3 that made it and that there wasn't a scoring. She didn't get back to me until 3:30 - Come to find out... on day 1 you don't get a score.... naturally I was freaking out for nothing. But emotions were raw, I was tired, and Corbin had a baseball game. I put on my best 'fake it till you make it' face and went to the game. I looked like death warmed over. I'm surprised I didn't scare the kids..... Since my IV was so difficult to get the previous day I looked like a drug user.... It was warm outside but I had to wear a long sleeve shirt because my arms were so bad.... But I went anyways.
My friends are so nice. They didn't say a word about how dreadful I looked. I went home and went to sleep.

Saturday:

Todd and I took the boys to their favorite breakfast, Waffle house. I checked the portal about every 5 seconds to see if they uploaded my new embryo scoring. It wasn't until we were pulling out of the parking lot that I got the update. 2 grade 4 and one grade 2. Todd - still cool as a cucumber said ' see you were spazzing about nothing!' That's typical Todd for ya. I was feeling good and was still overwhelmed with the support from my doctor that I wanted to do something for her. So in true Katie fashion I head to Joanns to get fabric to make her a blanket (hey it sounded less crazy at the time)..... BUT when I got there I started feeling horrible. Like flu-like. I got what I needed and then came home. Todd thinks it was a combo of some of the medicines I was on but I was lightheaded for the next 3 days. It was BAD. I stayed in bed or on the couch all day.

Sunday:

Woke up feeling about the same. not fabulous. Spent another day in bed. But did get my daily embryo scoring sheet. Today all 3 were grade 4 and none had failed to produce! This was such good news. This meant that We were 100% going to be doing a Day 5 transfer instead of a Day 3 transfer.


Monday:

Woke up feeling a little better. Still not great but feeling ok. Got the embryo scoring and it was back to 2 grade 4 and 1 grade 2. Still good. I was suppose to be getting a call sometime that day to find out what time my transfer would be tomorrow. I didn't know what time they made the schedule but I sent a message around 11 asking. By 3 I had still not heard anything so I called the office to find out when they do the scheduling. The front desk actually transferred me to the IVF coordinator - who answered. I was kinda embarrassed that I was wasting her time - I knew she was busy - but what she said next I was NOT expecting. She told me that she didn't know if we would be doing a transfer tomorrow or not. She said something about a lab value and the embryologist and that she would have to talk to my doctor and get back to me - But we might have to cancel this round and then do a frozen transfer. I was in shock. Cancelled? How can this be? Talk about panicked...... I was just that. I called Todd and this was the first time in this whole process that I could tell he was concerned. He encouraged me to call back and use my best inner b*** skills I had to get answers. I called again at 4:30. I told them that if it was going to be cancelled that I wanted to speak with my physician TONIGHT. 5 o'clock rolls around and still nothing. I am in such a panic that I tell Todd I don't think I can goto Corbin's baseball game. I can just see it now - getting a phone call from the doc on the fields........ Then I thought about how important it was to Corbin for me to goto his games. I put on my big girl pants and got in the car. Just then I get a call from the office. It was the other coordinator calling to confirm and give me a scheduled appointment time for my transfer. She had no clue about my previous conversation with the other nurse. She was cool, calm and collective - and that was that. Scheduled for 12:45 Tomorrow.
By that point in the day my nerves and brain had been frazzled enough. I sent an SOS call to my mom and said PLEASE after the baseball game can you come watch the kids so Todd and I can go sit and eat dinner. She so kindly came to our rescue and Todd and I had a wonderful dinner just chilling. It was nice.

Today - Transfer Day:

I woke up feeling good. Since Todd was off work he got the kids ready for school and took them. It was nice to just be able to relax and not rush. Today was the Run for Fun at the boys school and our appointment wasn't until after lunch so he was going to actually get to goto one of their events at school! It was also going to be the first big event i've missed for their school. I didn't want to go because I didn't want the added stress of everyone (so nice and genuinely concerned) asking how I was doing - Plus I had a blanket to make. LOL.

It was fun getting pictures from Todd's perspective of the boys. I was so proud!

He got back around 11 and we left to head downtown and grab lunch at La Madeleine. We got there by 11:45 and figured we had an hour to chill before the appointment. We get out of the car and Todd goes..... oh shit. He LOST HIS DRIVERS LICENSE. He had taken it out of his wallet to check in at school for run for fun and it must of fallen out. See the problem here is simple. With all the consents and   papers that have to be signed, you HAVE to have your ID in order to have the transfer. I could of shot him dead right there. I told him I had to have lunch and we would call the school while we ordered and if we had to call someone to help we would. So I frantically called my neighbor...... 4 times...... and when she didn't answer I called the school to check to see if anyone had turned it in. I guess my friend tried to call me in the process of me calling the school so she came straight to my house. Got off the phone with the school. No ID turned in. Called my friend and she was at my front door. Thank goodness for garage codes. She went in and searched our house and couldn't find it anywhere. But she was on it. She was going to call the tag agency and find out what documents we needed and was going to get them to Todd and meet him where ever we needed. OMG. Then todd thought to look in my car one more time. He went out there and poof... it had fallen between the seats. THANK GOODNESS!

So we finally got to the fertility office. We were early but came into the office laughing like crazy people. AHHHHH talk about an EMOTIONAL roller coaster.

We spoke to the doctor about embryo's and how many.... Sorry friends wanting 4 baby Worsham's we only put back 1! We put back a grade 4bb embryo. We will also have 2 to freeze.

I awkwardly gave her the blanket I made her.... at first she thought I was handing her a baby... It was funny. She was kind and at least acted like she liked it. If anyone sees a homeless person with a pretty blanket just don't tell me... LOL

We went back to the OR area again. Got suited up - instructions and then sent me back for the transfer. I was awake the whole time. It was anticlimactic. In and out in less than 15 min.  Then I had to lay flat for 30 min. After that I was free to go. Take it easy for the next couple of days and wait for my blood test next Friday.

Speaking of the blood test - when I started blogging about this I didn't think too far in advance about this. I will find out VERY early (4 weeks) if i'm pregnant or not. I wrestle with the fact that I want everyone to know and support me, BUT I also want to tell my boys first. See our boys love love LOVE babies. I mean they always ask when are we going to get one. I would hate for them to find out from someone inadvertently slipping and telling them. We want to be the ones that tell them. We want to be the ones to see the excitement on their faces. But we also don't want to see the heartache if something happens and there is no baby.... SO having said all of that. I think that we are going to wait to say anything until we see a heartbeat and are able to tell the boys too.

Thank you so much for following our journey. You have no idea what the support has meant to us. The high highs and low lows you guys have lifted me up when I have been down. Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts

xoxo

Day 11 - IVF Journey - Retrieval Day

Today was procedure day. Where they go in and retrieve the eggs that have been growing. Because of previous surgeries I only have one ovary. So since my numbers are diminished they hoped to get 4 to 6 eggs - they were actually able to get 7 eggs! This is good news! 

As I walked back to the OR room I asked the nurse if I would be awake when the doc came in... She said no, I would already be asleep. I was 'that' patient. I told her could she please have her come in before they put me under? I just need to see her eyes!!! Please please. She said ok I'll see what I can do. Two seconds later my doc came in the room. I have this fear of the doc not knowing who they are operating on. The one surgery (I've had 10+ over the years) that I didn't see the doctor prior to the surgery was the surgery where the doctor almost killed me. Luckily my doctor today totally 100% understood me and was happy to come in... Even gave me a hug ❤️❤️❤️

The longest part of the procedure was trying to get an IV in me..... I lost count but it was either 10 or 12 sticks... I was totally ready for those meds when he finally got the IV in....

Waking up in recovery was a breeze. My doc came in again and chatted us up. Come to find out this is her day off this week. I was like WHAT!? She said that because of my history there was no way she was not going to be here for me. Day off or not. She was going to be here. Who does that? Who is that kind? She doesn she is great. Compassionate. Caring. Funny. And best of all she is Real. She tells it like it is. No hold backs! 

So today is now day zero. Today they grow sperm and eggs hoping to create as many healthy embryos as they can get   They will transfer ONE embryo back either on day 3 or day 5. I guess stats show that day 4 embryos never take. We hope that we have healthy and strong enough embryos to make it out to day 5. If this is the case then it will be a Tuesday transfer. 

Each day the embryologist will grade the embryos and I will get those results. Not that I really know what any of those results mean .... That's what my IVF friend is for :) 

So until we know when transfer will be it is quite on my end. Starting the Progestrone in oil shots tonight. Have heard they are really painful. Wish me luck! 

Xoxo 

Day 10 - IVF Journey - ignorance is bliss

Ignorance truly is bliss. Otherwise I would of had one of these beauties everyday for the last 10 days.... But since I didn't Know they would help 'ripen things up' 😏 I did not partake in this green deliciousness.... But today. I'm not feeling the best. I'm exhausted. Anxious. A little nervous and my nose and throat hurt. Naturally. 

I've been well for the past 2 months. It would only be fitting for me to get sick today. Ugh

So when I heard wheatgrass can help make things better on the IVF side of things and when I'm sick I usually goto Jamba Juice to get a smoothie I thought I might as well go today! 

When I ordered the shot she asked if I wanted the orange juice chaser. Yes, yes I do. I do not want to puke this right back at ya... Then I wonder to myself. Has anyone ever puked in the store after one of those. I mean you don't usually get a 'togo' wheatgrass shot. Gross gross. 

Speaking of gross the instructions... - ok never mind. I'll spare you. 

But tomorrow is the day! 9:45 they will do the retrieval. I'm looking forward to not feeling like I am carrying a coconut in my body. 😁

I'll leave you today with this wonderful text I got from a dear friend today. 

I really should write a book about all the fun texts I've gotten from people 😜☺️

Thank you again for all the calls/texts/Facebook messages. I do have the best of the best friends. And thanks for following us on this journey 

Xoxo

Day 9 - IVF Journey

I had another early morning doctors appointment today. Blood tests and follicle check. AGAIN my physician came in to do the scan. I told her she scares patients coming in for routine stuff! She laughed. I like her. She gets me. Like totally gets me. 

Was waiting all day for my portal to be updated and got the ever important news it's 'trigger night!' Insert happy dance! 

See when you go down this journey you get introduced to the most random lab values on your 'portal'. 

I sent this screen shot to a friend who has walked this journey before and she goes 'yay! Your lining has good numbers too!' I was like HUH?!!!! She laughed. See she went through this journey without any kids - this was her job. Her only job. And she was GOOD at it. She said ' I love how you are just going with the flow' and that is true. I am just going with the flow - doing what the doc says when they say it and not thinking too much about it. 

She's been checking on me everyday - knowing the process inside and out and honestly it's comforting. I ran into a good friend Sunday at Sam's and got the most wonderful warm hug and good wishes from her. Ran into another two people at target today, lunch with my bestie and multiple calls and texts - all asking how I'm doing excited and wanting to help. 

I am so thankful I didn't make this quiet. 

You know you have good friends when you get this message 

•••This morning I was like... "Ooooh, I wonder how Katie's follicles are?!?!" And then I thought... "That sort of makes me a creeper" •••

Totally not creeper at all. I love it! 

Next update retrevial! 

Day 8 - IVF journey

My current view. 

Started ganerilex this morning. This is the med that tells my GIANT (fourteen full almost mature) follicles not to ovulate. So up until now I've had the honeymoon - this IVF thing is cake walk.... And then I started this med. basically I've got a pissed off ovary right now and I feel like shit. 

Sent an SOS text to two neighbors with my garage code in case I need them. 

My wonderful husband gave me the comforting news when i asked 'Will this last all day or is it just bad because I just took the shot?' He so nicely told me it could quite possibly last the whole day. Yippee! 

Doctors appt in the morning. Hopefully the good news will be I won't be on this med for too much longer. 

Luckily it's a rainy day here - totally makes laying in bed all day do-able. 

Day 7 - IVF journey

Had a Sunday appointment today. The normal blood draw a follicle check.

The fertility office is a strange place. Everyone is there for the same reason yet there is no small talk/eye contact. Taking this picture was totally awkward. Everyone is looking down at their phones or a magazine hoping to not accidentally look at someone in the eye. 

As I waited I couldn't help but think about those who had to do this journey with no kids at home. It's gotta be rough. I've got the distraction of two busy boys with baseball schedules, school and homework to keep me occupied and distracted. I actually forgot about this appointment until late last night. 

Sitting waiting is tough! I use to have small panic attacks when I would go into a room with an ultrasound machine. When you are 19 and they find a 5 pound ovarian cyst it kinda gives you a little PTSD everyone you go in for any ultrasound. Luckily this is my 4th in 2 weeks so I'm not as scared. 

Today I was waiting longer than usual.... And then instead of the tech coming in its my doc doing my scan. I panic. Why is she here! It's Sunday! Is something wrong?! 

Nope - fertility office is open 365 days a year. She had some other procedures today and was just helping out getting some scans done. 

Everything was normal. My follicles are growing just as they should. Have 12 - 14 in just one ovary. That is good! 

Will have an appointment on day 9 to recheck again! 

Fertility Doctor Referral Appointment

How does one even start to blog about such a sensitive and usually quiet topic? I mean we are talking about baby making and the fact that its just not working!

I've been pregnant twice and have two obnoxious - funny - energetic - amazing - wonderful boys. Didn't have problems either time with getting pregnant so what is it so difficult this time?? 

I knew the answer to that question but wasn't ready to take further steps to make a third child a reality. I hadn't come to terms in my head that it wasn't going to work. I had faith. Could someone of really screwed up my insides so much that it would prevent us from having more biological kids?? The answer to that question was always no? its going to happen! It can happen. It WILL happen..... and then it didn't happen. 

My OBGYN had said for the past year that if i wanted to have an appointment with a fertility doctor he would gladly send me over. He was optimistic that it was possible for me to get pregnant just could take time - how much time I kept thinking. The one conversation I had over and over with my OBGYN was i do NOT want to do IVF. I was ok with IUI, clomid, whathaveyou but ask my doc he would say she doesn't want to do IVF. 

He didn't push the fertility appointment... I guess he knew I needed it in my own time on my own terms. 

I wrestled with a million things. Is our family complete? Should we adopt? Can we financially handle another child? Maybe we are not meant to have a third child... all those thoughts. So many thoughts. 

I called my GYNO office to talk to the nurse (who i adore). Kinda off handed told her I thought I was ready to talk to a fertility specialist. She said ok! A few days later the fertility office called me to set up the appointment.

She said the first available appointment was February 17th. I thought that was fitting. Corbin's 5th birthday. It was a Tuesday. A school day. Todd could take off work and no one would have to know about it. I only told 1 person about the appointment. We were going to keep it all quiet until a pregnancy announcement. And then the lovely meteorologists said that there was going to be a massive snow storm so Jenks so wonderfully cancelled school. SO i had to ask a friend to watch the kids on Corbin's birthday. I felt really bad but we made plans to meet for lunch at 11 with his BFF whose birthday was also that day.

I remember driving to the fertility office. We were on riverside at about 46th street when I told todd once again I did NOT want to do IVF. He knew this. He never asked why, i never gave an answer, but no one ever asked why.

We get to the appointment - the doctor talks to us for close to two hours - THE DOCTOR. TWO hours. seriously. Who does that?!! Well a doctor that cares is one who does that. But i had only planned on being gone for a total of 2 hours from the kids... We were still in the fertility office at 11:30 - me frantically texting friends about lunch trying to assure them that nothing was wrong - without telling them what I was actually doing. We left the appointment with a different outlook. She asked me why i didn't want to do IVF.... and I didn't have an answer. She asked me if  I didn't have any kids would I have done whatever it takes to have a biological child, including doing IVF, would I of done so? And the answer was overwhelmingly yes. She hit the nail on the head. I'm pissed. I shouldn't have to do IVF. Had it not been for one doctor I would not be in this position. She (the fertility doc) said 'don't let that doctor be your reason for not having a third child - don't let her take that from you'.

(should i input here that Todd has always been totally fine with IVF)

Driving back to pick up the boys - we were on riverside.... about 46th street where we were 3 hours before ..... me saying basically ok, i'll do it.

I still didn't want anyone to know. But i felt like i had to tell the people who had been watching our kids, and waiting on us so patiently for the last hour. I didn't tell them because they asked. I told them because I didn't want them to worry. They are mom's they are compassionate. They care. Their responses were overwhelming to me. They were all so excited and supportive.

It wasn't until the appointment where we scheduled which cycle we would be on that I told my parents. Not a conversation that you should have on the phone with a hard of hearing mom..... She said what? huh? tell your dad, i can't hear you? ----- It was funny, but they too were very supportive.

After that I felt like why is this always so secretive. Why don't people talk about it? Then I was at the fertility office on Friday, April 10th and I took a picture to tell everyone.

Your support has been amazing. I hope that I can bring light to this subject and support to just one other person.

xoxo