How does one even start to blog about such a sensitive and usually quiet topic? I mean we are talking about baby making and the fact that its just not working!
I've been pregnant twice and have two obnoxious - funny - energetic - amazing - wonderful boys. Didn't have problems either time with getting pregnant so what is it so difficult this time??
I knew the answer to that question but wasn't ready to take further steps to make a third child a reality. I hadn't come to terms in my head that it wasn't going to work. I had faith. Could someone of really screwed up my insides so much that it would prevent us from having more biological kids?? The answer to that question was always no? its going to happen! It can happen. It WILL happen..... and then it didn't happen.
My OBGYN had said for the past year that if i wanted to have an appointment with a fertility doctor he would gladly send me over. He was optimistic that it was possible for me to get pregnant just could take time - how much time I kept thinking. The one conversation I had over and over with my OBGYN was i do NOT want to do IVF. I was ok with IUI, clomid, whathaveyou but ask my doc he would say she doesn't want to do IVF.
He didn't push the fertility appointment... I guess he knew I needed it in my own time on my own terms.
I wrestled with a million things. Is our family complete? Should we adopt? Can we financially handle another child? Maybe we are not meant to have a third child... all those thoughts. So many thoughts.
I called my GYNO office to talk to the nurse (who i adore). Kinda off handed told her I thought I was ready to talk to a fertility specialist. She said ok! A few days later the fertility office called me to set up the appointment.
She said the first available appointment was February 17th. I thought that was fitting. Corbin's 5th birthday. It was a Tuesday. A school day. Todd could take off work and no one would have to know about it. I only told 1 person about the appointment. We were going to keep it all quiet until a pregnancy announcement. And then the lovely meteorologists said that there was going to be a massive snow storm so Jenks so wonderfully cancelled school. SO i had to ask a friend to watch the kids on Corbin's birthday. I felt really bad but we made plans to meet for lunch at 11 with his BFF whose birthday was also that day.
I remember driving to the fertility office. We were on riverside at about 46th street when I told todd once again I did NOT want to do IVF. He knew this. He never asked why, i never gave an answer, but no one ever asked why.
We get to the appointment - the doctor talks to us for close to two hours - THE DOCTOR. TWO hours. seriously. Who does that?!! Well a doctor that cares is one who does that. But i had only planned on being gone for a total of 2 hours from the kids... We were still in the fertility office at 11:30 - me frantically texting friends about lunch trying to assure them that nothing was wrong - without telling them what I was actually doing. We left the appointment with a different outlook. She asked me why i didn't want to do IVF.... and I didn't have an answer. She asked me if I didn't have any kids would I have done whatever it takes to have a biological child, including doing IVF, would I of done so? And the answer was overwhelmingly yes. She hit the nail on the head. I'm pissed. I shouldn't have to do IVF. Had it not been for one doctor I would not be in this position. She (the fertility doc) said 'don't let that doctor be your reason for not having a third child - don't let her take that from you'.
(should i input here that Todd has always been totally fine with IVF)
Driving back to pick up the boys - we were on riverside.... about 46th street where we were 3 hours before ..... me saying basically ok, i'll do it.
I still didn't want anyone to know. But i felt like i had to tell the people who had been watching our kids, and waiting on us so patiently for the last hour. I didn't tell them because they asked. I told them because I didn't want them to worry. They are mom's they are compassionate. They care. Their responses were overwhelming to me. They were all so excited and supportive.
It wasn't until the appointment where we scheduled which cycle we would be on that I told my parents. Not a conversation that you should have on the phone with a hard of hearing mom..... She said what? huh? tell your dad, i can't hear you? ----- It was funny, but they too were very supportive.
After that I felt like why is this always so secretive. Why don't people talk about it? Then I was at the fertility office on Friday, April 10th and I took a picture to tell everyone.
Your support has been amazing. I hope that I can bring light to this subject and support to just one other person.
xoxo
