Where are you going?

I'm not a huge fan of vague Facebook posts but A LOT has happened in the last month that the question "Where are you going?" is truly a loaded question. I have always been a fan of blogging. It helped me get through IVF. It helped me inform people on my surgery. And it helped me emotionally talk it out. When this all started a few weeks ago Todd said 'Katie you need to write this down! You need to blog this.' Its been on my to-do list. I'm in the car now for 8 hours so what better time than to tell my story....

Many of you know, but some of you may not. I was adopted as an infant (12 days old). So yes, you can imagine where this post is headed... This is a journey that started a long LONG time ago. Let me answer a few questions.

Have you always known you were adopted? Yes, I have known my whole life. There was no finding out in 4th grade or high school. I've always known. It was just as normal to me as you having a belly button... I was adopted. I didn't know any different.

Do your parents know you were interested in your biological family? Yes. They have always known I have had a curiosity about where I came from. They have been supportive. They have been kind. They have even been excited!

Why? I've always wondered what it would be like to sit in the same room with someone who looks like me. Someone who has the same eyes/facial structure/looks. I've never had that. Having our first child was a HUGE deal for me. I was so excited to see something that was apart of me. MY DNA. And then Cooper was born..... and he was a spitting image of Todd. Go figure! HA. I adore my boys and wouldn't change a single thing about them.

I am not looking for a replacement. I have two wonderful parents. They are and will always be my mom & dad. The best. The only ones I need. BUT without my biological parents I wouldn't be here today. I've always wanted to just say 'Thank you'.

See I was born in 1982. And lets be real - times were a little different back then. The stigma of an out of wedlock pregnancy - how easy it would of been to have an abortion - just not the same as today. And I was not there (well technically i was but you know what i mean) I did not walk in their shoes. I don't know what their lives were like back then and I am not one to judge. From my perspective I am where I am suppose to be and grateful everyday for the gift they both gave to me. I have no hate, anger or heartache. I do not think of the what-could of been's - I think of all that has happened and how lucky I am to of been apart of it. I have MY family. I love MY family. But I also have roots that always have been a part of me and as long as I can remember I knew someday I would find those answers......

So Today, Todd, Cooper, Corbin and I are going to Houston, Texas. I will be meeting my older biological 1/2 sister today. Saturday I will be meeting several Aunts, Uncles & cousins. A family, a month ago that did not know I existed but have graciously opened their hearts and lives to include me in it. How lucky am I? I have a SISTER. When I spoke to my 93 year old grandfather on the phone a week ago and we were talking about it all (he is so excited and intrigued by the whole thing) he stops me mid sentence after I said 'my sister' and he goes 'Kate - It is so weird to hear you say that!' (with a smile in his voice). I love this all.

I will share more of my journey and how I came to find them soon. I am still not in contact with all my biological family. I want to protect those that may not know. I want to share my journey - I do - and I will in time.

A few questions I know you may have to clear a few things up. This is my biological fathers side of the family. He died in 1985 in a motorcycle accident. I have not spoken yet to my biological mother.

More later. But for now be thinking about us this weekend. Its going to be one for the books! love you all!

I'll leave you with a text I received from a dear friend this morning.

Know that whatever you find and whoever you are related to that you are loved by so many.Its a journey above all that your kids are witnessing. Its the human journey that in itself the driving force of humanity. To know, to love, to be.

Released 👊

Dun dun dunnn..... See you in a year, Katie! What are you going to do with yourself not coming into the office all the time?! The words from my doctor this morning. Hyesterctcomy a success. Feeling great. Still having some crazy bowel symptoms and will have to have a follow up with that surgeon and then probably send me to a gastro doc. But I am now restriction free! Can we say POOL! 

Because some of you may my know what happened here is a run down of the surgery. 

Day 1: surgeon comes in. We talk. I ask him to do a horizontal incision. He says no vertical. I say no horizontal. He wins. I only have 20 min to fret about it before they put me under. I was annoyed but knew he had a plan. Ask where my other doc was and he said he was only going to come in if needed. Go into surgery come out in recovery in A LOT of pain. Naturally. Figured that would happen. But then a magical anesthesiologist came in and did two ultrasound guided pain blocks that worked for 48 hours. I felt like a million bucks. At some point that first day Todd posts on FB that everything went normal and routine and I was doing great. (So I blame a lot of what happened on him!) get to my room and find out the 2nd surgeon did have to be called in because there was a portion of my small intestine that was in a ball wrapped up with a rind around it 😁 yuck. I know. So that surgeon had to un tangle it and fix it. 

Day 2: I felt fabulous. 

Day 3: I walked 7,000 steps in laps around the hospital. Finally ate and tolerated food. 

Day 4: I was ready to get out of there. Doc said it was ok as long as I knew I needed to take laxatives to get my system fully going. I was game! Released at 12. By 4pm I wasn't feeling great and by 5 I vomited and fell unconscious on the bathroom floor. Woke up to a bathroom full of firemen.

😜 finally got me in the ambulance and off I went back to the hosptial. 

No obstruction. Just 5 more days in the hospital. 

Day 5: early morning hours I finally see an ER doc and because of failed attempts to get an IV in he ends up putting an EJ in my neck. I was mortified. It was awful. Painful. Get on the floor and beg the nurses to poke me 1,000 times if it means I can take that thing out. Finally a 4th nurse from L&D was able to get an IV in. Later that day I was given Meds to clear me out. They were successful in less than 2 hours. 

Days 6-9 were just sitting days. Waiting for my system to recover. 

All is well now. I'm 6 weeks post op and doing great! Those of you who know about my POTS an interesting note is my HR has decreased significantly since my surgery. Hopefully I'm on the final road to recovery! 

Thank you everyone for all your thoughts and prayers. It's been a crazy crazy ride but im hopeful that I am on the road to recovery! 

Can't believe the summer is more than half over! I feel like I've been stuck in my bubble for 6 weeks. Ready to get out there and do something!! 

Xoxo

10 months post op - 7 days pre op

Soooooo it's finally time. Tuesday, May 24th I will go in for a hysterectomy (leaving my one ovary and taking the rest). Thankful I was able to make the decision in my own time. Thankful my doctor didn't push it. (Though he was relieved when he walked in the room and I said I'm ready). 

I remember going in for surgery at 19 years old not knowing if I would come out with or without my uterus. Every surgery since then (I've had 10ish since) my first question waking up after surgery is did they take my uterus. Even After my gallbladder surgery - think the recovery room nurses might of thought I was cray cray.... This time will be different. I will know. And I'm ok with it. I'm ready. 

I will have both Dr. Gehring (obgyn) & Dr. Hepner (general surgeon) in the OR. Hepner will be there just in case. I opted not to go with the robotic surgery since I've got such an extensively crappy history with laparoscopic procedures. I decided to just opt for the open surgery. 

I will be in the hospital 1-2 nights. I was a little concerned with telling cooper about the surgery. He did not do well with me being in the hospital last summer. He actually asked me a month ago the most random question ever. See the boys often ask me when I am going to have a baby in my tummy or when they are going to get a baby sibling. I'm use to that. One of them asks me that prob every other week for about 4 years. But you see Cooper asked me this 'mommy did that surgery last summer make it so you couldn't have babies anymore?' I was kinda stunned. That's a big question for a 9 year old (clueless) boy. I was able to tell him no at that time.... Only to come back 3 weeks later to tell him I was having another surgery and this time they are going to make it so I can't have anymore babies. That was a rough conversation. There were tears. But luckily their best friends (Ben & will) offered a double night sleepover for this surgery. Corbin was jumping up and down with excitement.... Cooper had to promise me that He could bring his itouch and that Valarie would put wifi on it so he could FaceTime me... And he was ok with it. 

I am actually feeling really good about this surgery. Hopefully my last. But I'm not nervous or anxious. I was last time. But this time I am good. 

School gets out Monday. Hoping this is as 'routine' as this could be. If so I should be driving in 2 weeks and back to normal in 6 weeks. I have had such an outpouring of support for helping with the boys. Believe me - I will be taking you guys up on your offers! 

Todd was promoted to a new position this week. He is now the director of pharmacy at Tulsa Spine and Speciality Hospital. Naturally it will only be his 2nd week at the new hospital when I have my surgery so once I get home his plan is to go back to work and then I will be relying on all my wonderful friends! 

Thank you for all the love and support! I don't feel like our story is over yet. 

8 weeks 3 days post op....

Many of you have been asking me what the heck happened - we thought this was suppose to be out patient surgery!?! You should be better by now! 

Well the long and short is yes I SHOULD be better by now... That is if the surgery had gone according to plan. But it didn't. And I'm not. 

When I found out I had the hernia - and the type of hernia I had - I knew I was going to have the surgery. And I had an weird feeling it wasn't going to go well. I scheduled the surgery as soon as the doc could get me in on his schedule - knowing that if I had any major pains prior I had to goto the ER asap. Luckily I didn't have to do that. But I kept saying to Todd and my mom - I have a bad feeling about this surgery. I just don't think it's going to go as planned. And of corse - trying to keep me positive they would both say it's going to be fine and go just as planned. It will be ok! 

I tell you there is something about when you become a mother you develop this 6th sense. The one that can see danger before it happens. I've said that multiple times about the boys and all have come true 😁 - and I sensed it about this surgery. BUT I knew I had to do the surgery and I knew I had a wonderful surgeon that was going to keep me safe. 

So I wake up from surgery in A. L. O. T. of pain. I looked at the clock and noticed my 45 min surgery had lasted close to 3 hours. I asked the nurse if everything went as planned and was I going home. She said she thought so. I asked if I had a big incision. She said no, she didn't think so. (Basically she had no clue about anything) they had already taken out my catheter and in her mind she was waiting for the discharge papers. It took about 30 min to get my pain under control and by that point I was realizing that there was more to the story than she knew. After waiting an hour I asked if my husband could come in. She went and got Todd and he proceeded to tell us what happened and I was NOT being discharged. 

This is what happened. 

 I debated sharing this picture. It's gross. My stomach is SOOOOO swollen. I have 35 staples. But I don't think people grasp the gravity of my surgery until they see this picture. I did blur it out so you arnt totally grossed out - but you get the idea. 8 inch vertical incision with 5, yes FIVE laparoscopic entrance points. 

Basically what happened was doc went in with the laparoscopic entrance points and found that from the surgery (where the doctor almost killed me) she had also created a lot of scar tissue and my intestines were adhered to my abdominal wall. He couldn't do anything or see anything without opening me up and start taking down all the adhesions. They were so bad that he ended up having to stitch up a large portion of my intestines. He said he never saw a full perforation but because of the adhesions it was so thin he was afraid my intentions might rupture if he didn't stich them up. Then after my hernia was fixed and so were my intestines - he added a piece of 'mesh' so that I wouldn't have another hernia develop. The mesh was attached to my abdominal wall with 40 tacks. 

Off I went to recovery and my extra super 7 day long hospital stay. 

After being released from the hospital I was put on restrictions for 8 weeks post op. Which meant I can't pick up anything more than 10 lbs for 8 weeks. Luckily this time my boys are both bigger and I truly didn't pick up anything at all. I have the best support system. My mom came over and did laundry. My dad came over and did dishes. Todd made sure the boys were taken care of. I had friends bring dinners. Friends take my kids. Friends take care of the dogs. Friends come over to bring lunch and 'babysit' me. A friend I've known since elementary school who is now a surgeon and actually shadowed under my doctor at one point - took time out of her day to reassure me on more than one occasion. Care packages from complete strangers praying for me. The outpouring of support was incredible. I seriously couldn't ask for better friends. How did I get so lucky?  

Even with all the support - sitting on the couch day in and day out can be trying on you. I've probably cried more tears in the past 8 weeks than I have in the last 8 years. Why? Because I have a pain that won't. Go. Away. 

At 2 weeks post op my surgeon said 'oh yeah. That was our original entrance point. It's going to be sore - take longer to heal. Then at 4 weeks post op when it still hadn't gone away he said 'well it could be your new normal'. My new what?!! The pain is so bad it stops me dead in my tracks. Tears develop in my eyes because it hurts so bad until I sit down and then eventually laying down makes it go away. 

Second Doctor said the same thing. 

Third same. 

Basically they think that when the mesh was attached with the tacks it could be attached in that one spot to a nerve - only fix - surgery which probably wouldn't fix it. And nerve medicine. Which takes 4 - 6 weeks to notice anything. But I couldn't start that medicine until 8 weeks post op because 'it still could get better' 

We had planned a trip to St. Louis. I was not going to ruin this trip. I doped up on pain meds and pushed through all the walking. I did ok. 

The pain sorta got better for a few days last week. Not gone but not as strong. And then it came back again. With a vengeance. 

Monday the doctor put me on nerve medicine. He said it's worth a shot but that he was hopeful since it did go away for a few days - that maybe you just needed more rest. Maybe instead of 8 weeks of restrictions - I needed 12 weeks or even 4 months. 

I've gained 10+ pounds sitting on the couch for 8 weeks. I've watched more Netflix series from start to finish I can't even count. The thought of sitting on the couch for 8 more weeks is daunting. I'm bored. Tired of sitting. Depressed. You name it. 

Yesterday I tried to sit at my computer and do some work. I had a deadline of sept 15th that I knew I wasn't going to be able to make - but in my mind I could by the end of September. I sat for an hour in my chair and I was in pain the rest of the day. Today I sat there for 15 min and it started hurting. I stopped.  

Right now I've just decided I'm going to sit. While the kids are at school I will sit. My kids may have lunchables in their lunch everyday becaus I haven't had a chance to goto the store - but that's just how it's going to be. They are in heaven btw. (And I'm fairly sure it's because there is a piece of candy in them - mom you don't put dessert in our lunches unless there is a lunchable 😝)

So that's that. Let's hope a few more weeks of couch sitting and/or the nerve medicine starts working. 

If you need me you know where to find me. 

Thanks for all the love and support - if you made it to the end of this long drawn out post - thank you for reading! Ha! 

Xoxo 

Katie 

BTW - suggestions for Netflix series and or book recommendations?!! 

Ohhhh I almost forgot. The reason for starting up my blog to begin with.... IVF. The big question everyone has been wanting to ask and very few have actually asked. Are you still going to do the frozen transfer? The answer is no, and maybe. Right now I just don't see it being ok. The doctors say that a few months post op the mesh should be fine to get pregnant again. But I just don't know if I'm up for the complications it might bring. Is it worth it? Being sick again? My boys have been through more than they should in their short lives. But we really want another baby. Who knows what will happen. What the next year will bring. So as of now we have no plans to use the final embryo. But who knows..... What will 2016 bring. I never thought 2014 would be as crazy as it was (the flood) and 2015 has proved crazier (IVF & the surgery that just won't go away) 

We shall see.

Nothing is ever as you plan.

SOOOO. It's almost August. The month we were suppose to start the next round of IVF. We decided that even though the last round was hard - I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I left that one embryo untouched. So I wouldn't have to repeat a $600 test required by the FDA every 6 months the August/September cycle was the cycle I would need to be on. I've been mentally preparing myself to jump on the bandwagon and get it started.... 

And in early June i noticed a bulge on my stomach. I showed it to Todd  and a few friends who all said I needed to get it checked out. Well I was frankly done with doctors and didn't want to make an appointment just for that. So a month later i casually brought it up at a routine doctors visit. I thought it could be a cyst from the fertility meds - The doc immediately had suspicions of a hernia (never even on my radar - even though one friend suspected that) and asked if I wanted to have a follow up CT scan. I decided that yes, for my piece of mind I would like to have the scan. He told me that a lot of times hernias can develop from incisions and it wouldn't be any big deal to wait till another surgery (c-section or something else) to have it repaired. I asked him what it involved and he suspected it was just some fat tissue that had broken through and they would just push it back in and sew it up - no big deal. 

So I go into the CT thinking it's going to tell me I have a 'fat' hernia and I will live with it. Well naturally that wasn't the case. Of corse I have a hernia that involves more than fat. It's a part of my intestines (insert eye roll here). AND can not be left untreated. Oh yah and the only cure is surgery (insert huge annoyance here). 

So here I sit. On the eve of my 11th or 12th surgery (I've seriously lost count now) hoping everything goes smoothly tomorrow and it is as 'routine' as a surgery I have can be. 

I always have to look at the positive. Do I like having surgery - uh no. BUT i am alive and semi-well. Have a beautiful family - and am thankful I'm not pregnant right now dealing with this issue. I can only imagine the pain I would be going through. 

So - I guess the answer to the long awaited question is yes, we will be trying the last embryo - And hopefully before the end of 2015 - BUT it's not going to be the timeline I had expected. I will wait until I am healthy and cleared by my doctors to proceed. 

Good vibes in the morning please! :)