Nothing is ever as you plan.

SOOOO. It's almost August. The month we were suppose to start the next round of IVF. We decided that even though the last round was hard - I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I left that one embryo untouched. So I wouldn't have to repeat a $600 test required by the FDA every 6 months the August/September cycle was the cycle I would need to be on. I've been mentally preparing myself to jump on the bandwagon and get it started.... 

And in early June i noticed a bulge on my stomach. I showed it to Todd  and a few friends who all said I needed to get it checked out. Well I was frankly done with doctors and didn't want to make an appointment just for that. So a month later i casually brought it up at a routine doctors visit. I thought it could be a cyst from the fertility meds - The doc immediately had suspicions of a hernia (never even on my radar - even though one friend suspected that) and asked if I wanted to have a follow up CT scan. I decided that yes, for my piece of mind I would like to have the scan. He told me that a lot of times hernias can develop from incisions and it wouldn't be any big deal to wait till another surgery (c-section or something else) to have it repaired. I asked him what it involved and he suspected it was just some fat tissue that had broken through and they would just push it back in and sew it up - no big deal. 

So I go into the CT thinking it's going to tell me I have a 'fat' hernia and I will live with it. Well naturally that wasn't the case. Of corse I have a hernia that involves more than fat. It's a part of my intestines (insert eye roll here). AND can not be left untreated. Oh yah and the only cure is surgery (insert huge annoyance here). 

So here I sit. On the eve of my 11th or 12th surgery (I've seriously lost count now) hoping everything goes smoothly tomorrow and it is as 'routine' as a surgery I have can be. 

I always have to look at the positive. Do I like having surgery - uh no. BUT i am alive and semi-well. Have a beautiful family - and am thankful I'm not pregnant right now dealing with this issue. I can only imagine the pain I would be going through. 

So - I guess the answer to the long awaited question is yes, we will be trying the last embryo - And hopefully before the end of 2015 - BUT it's not going to be the timeline I had expected. I will wait until I am healthy and cleared by my doctors to proceed. 

Good vibes in the morning please! :) 

What's next? - IVF Journey

Family night at Bedlam

The past few days have been good. Friday was a tough day - but at the last min we got tickets to the bedlam game at OneOK field - had a wonderful time with just our family. Cooper had a baseball tournament Saturday & Sunday - I was able to stay busy - which is exactly what I needed. Saturday morning was a little rough... but I got the best hug from the sweetest girl at just the right time. We really truly are a very blessed family. We have the most amazing family and friends. It was only fitting that Friday night I had a delayed allergic reaction to the progesterone shots and found out on Monday that these gems (giant itchy welts on my bum) could be with me for the next 2 weeks...... Fun times for sure! 

Waiting for the doc watching the tornado's in OKC

Today we had our follow up appointment with our doctor. I don't know why but I have not been looking forward to this appointment - They had an appointment Monday I could of taken but decided to wait until Todd could come. There wasn't anything I was expecting my doctor to say. I knew what she was going to say - I knew there was a 40% chance the embryo would take - I knew that meant the odds were not in our favor. I think i just didn't want to bring back up all those emotions. I've been really good the past two days. Had a great support system this weekend - stayed busy. But walking into the office today just brought it all back up again.

The doc was running late - which was fine. I knew she spent the time with us before and others had to wait so I was totally fine waiting. But siting there was brutal. I kept trying to keep conversation away from the obvious. Its spring time in Oklahoma and unfortunately there was a tornado emergency in OKC so we live streamed the coverage for 30 min waiting on her. Passed the time, which I was thankful for. 

I knew what I wanted to do but asked her which would be better. Give my body a break for a few months and then put in the last embryo - or get on the next cycle and go for it now. I was happy to hear her response of giving my body a break. I now can enjoy my summer by the pool.... with sangria in hand! HA! : ) 

So the plan for now is this - take the summer off and do the FET (frozen embryo transfer) cycle in September. 

I'd be lying to everyone if I didn't say I wasn't overly confident. I go into this next round VERY pessimistic. But I don't think I could live with myself if we didn't use the one last embryo. All the what if's - I want to leave this process knowing we did everything we could - and leaving that last embryo would mean we didn't do everything we could. 

I want to thank everyone for your support. I know I keep saying that but I truly mean it and can't express my gratitude enough. I'm so glad I decided to put this all out there. Don't get me wrong, posting Friday was one of the hardest things i've done - Todd still hasn't read it. The love i've received from the high high's and low low's has just been amazing. 

xoxo

The Blood Test - IVF Journey

<0.5 HCG - What does that mean? Well It means it was negative and the round of IVF was unsuccessful. Am I sad, disappointed, mad, angry, annoyed ---- The answer is yes.

I don't know what else to say other than the numerous calls and texts this morning really made the waiting go by much faster... and I thank you guys for that. Thank you for following us on our journey. We don't know if this is the end of the line for us or not yet. We do have 1 frozen embryo that we can still use but right now i'm not sure we are going to go through it again or not.

We have a follow up with our doctor on Wednesday. I've only gotten to talk to Todd on the phone - so there will be a long discussion before we make any more decisions.

For now i'm going to be sad - kids get out of school in 3 hours and going to surprise them with going to see the avengers.... cooper got it taken away - call me a bad mom for not sticking to my guns and saying he can't go.... but tonight i can't sit at home with a sad 8 year old while his brother goes and sees the movie he's been waiting for for over a year. and guess what. i'm going to embrace the boy mom title and go see it with them.

Thank you so much for following us on this journey. While I am sad at this outcome I hope that i've brought some light to the scary dark place that is infertility.

(silver lining.... no more progesterone shots! HA!)

xoxo

The Waiting Game - IVF Journey

So yeah. The phrase 'hurry up and wait' has been uttered sooooooo many times in this process. Now we are in the 'lets wait' phase. I did lay on the couch for 3 days after the transfer. One of the medicines they had me on after the retrieval had made me crazy and super sick. I was just starting to feel better when the transfer day came - but thought it would be best to rest for 3 days just in case.

We've been keeping busy with baseball and more baseball. I really haven't thought too much about my blood test that is at the end of the week. I was just thinking tonight driving to the grocery store 'i can't believe i just went through IVF'. For so long I was so not doing it - and this all happened so fast I still can't believe that it happened and is already over. Overall i'm feeling good. The shots have been totally fine - lidocaine is my friend. I can't imagine having to do them without it.

Todd is kinda cracking me up. I said from the beginning that I didn't want to take a pregnancy test before the blood test. I just wanted to wait it out (for those of you that know me this is TOTALLY NOT my personality) I figured we've waited this long and there isn't any issues with timing - we know that all that possibly could be done has been done so i just wanted to wait. Todd asked me 2 days ago and said 'Well do you have a test at home?' I was like no! I don't want one and plus we are like 10 days off from test day dude! LOL He's asked me twice since then. (I think someone is a little excited)

But for now we wait.

I realized in the last post I said I didn't goto run for fun because I didn't want people asking me questions and i'm afraid it came out wrong. See I had been on meds the previous 4 days before that which were making me crazy. I felt like shit. my mind was racing. my head was throbbing. and I felt like i might burst out in tears if anyone said anything at all to me.... so it wasn't that I didn't want people to ask me questions because I didn't want to answer them... it was because I didn't want to embarrass myself with my crazy-crying self.

I feel that I've over shared - but have been overwhelmed with the support from everyone. From the funny texts about my uterus to the shirtless men pics - you guys seriously rock my world!

Thank you Thank you Thank you!

xoxo

Day 5 Embryo Transfer - IVF Journey - The last few days

Talk about an emotional roller coaster...... This process is brutal! Night after my retrieval i didn't sleep AT ALL.... I was awake all night. Don't know if it was the meds or what but I got less than 3 hours of sleep.... So Friday, Day after retrieval was not starting out to be a good day... Friday was the day I got my first look at how many of the 7 eggs made embryo's.  Its funny how one little number can change your mood in an instant. I logged onto my portal and my heart just sank.

Out of 7 eggs only 5 were viable and then only 3 fertilized AND there was no grade on them. I thought we were done. I just had it in my mind that it wasn't going to work. 3 embryos wasn't enough (I didn't think). I cried. ALL.DAY.LONG. It was bad.... the ugly cry. I only talked to Todd and my IVF friend. She assured me that it was ok and that 3 was good! All you need is one she kept saying!

I was an emotional basket case - I mean they pump you up with all these hormones - I knew it was all in my head so I tried really hard not to let anyone see. I was in car pool line and a friend called and I didn't answer it. I knew if I answered it I would burst into tears and I was about to have two little boys in my car I didn't need to scare.
I had left a message with my nurse earlier in the day asking about the fact that there were only 3 that made it and that there wasn't a scoring. She didn't get back to me until 3:30 - Come to find out... on day 1 you don't get a score.... naturally I was freaking out for nothing. But emotions were raw, I was tired, and Corbin had a baseball game. I put on my best 'fake it till you make it' face and went to the game. I looked like death warmed over. I'm surprised I didn't scare the kids..... Since my IV was so difficult to get the previous day I looked like a drug user.... It was warm outside but I had to wear a long sleeve shirt because my arms were so bad.... But I went anyways.
My friends are so nice. They didn't say a word about how dreadful I looked. I went home and went to sleep.

Saturday:

Todd and I took the boys to their favorite breakfast, Waffle house. I checked the portal about every 5 seconds to see if they uploaded my new embryo scoring. It wasn't until we were pulling out of the parking lot that I got the update. 2 grade 4 and one grade 2. Todd - still cool as a cucumber said ' see you were spazzing about nothing!' That's typical Todd for ya. I was feeling good and was still overwhelmed with the support from my doctor that I wanted to do something for her. So in true Katie fashion I head to Joanns to get fabric to make her a blanket (hey it sounded less crazy at the time)..... BUT when I got there I started feeling horrible. Like flu-like. I got what I needed and then came home. Todd thinks it was a combo of some of the medicines I was on but I was lightheaded for the next 3 days. It was BAD. I stayed in bed or on the couch all day.

Sunday:

Woke up feeling about the same. not fabulous. Spent another day in bed. But did get my daily embryo scoring sheet. Today all 3 were grade 4 and none had failed to produce! This was such good news. This meant that We were 100% going to be doing a Day 5 transfer instead of a Day 3 transfer.


Monday:

Woke up feeling a little better. Still not great but feeling ok. Got the embryo scoring and it was back to 2 grade 4 and 1 grade 2. Still good. I was suppose to be getting a call sometime that day to find out what time my transfer would be tomorrow. I didn't know what time they made the schedule but I sent a message around 11 asking. By 3 I had still not heard anything so I called the office to find out when they do the scheduling. The front desk actually transferred me to the IVF coordinator - who answered. I was kinda embarrassed that I was wasting her time - I knew she was busy - but what she said next I was NOT expecting. She told me that she didn't know if we would be doing a transfer tomorrow or not. She said something about a lab value and the embryologist and that she would have to talk to my doctor and get back to me - But we might have to cancel this round and then do a frozen transfer. I was in shock. Cancelled? How can this be? Talk about panicked...... I was just that. I called Todd and this was the first time in this whole process that I could tell he was concerned. He encouraged me to call back and use my best inner b*** skills I had to get answers. I called again at 4:30. I told them that if it was going to be cancelled that I wanted to speak with my physician TONIGHT. 5 o'clock rolls around and still nothing. I am in such a panic that I tell Todd I don't think I can goto Corbin's baseball game. I can just see it now - getting a phone call from the doc on the fields........ Then I thought about how important it was to Corbin for me to goto his games. I put on my big girl pants and got in the car. Just then I get a call from the office. It was the other coordinator calling to confirm and give me a scheduled appointment time for my transfer. She had no clue about my previous conversation with the other nurse. She was cool, calm and collective - and that was that. Scheduled for 12:45 Tomorrow.
By that point in the day my nerves and brain had been frazzled enough. I sent an SOS call to my mom and said PLEASE after the baseball game can you come watch the kids so Todd and I can go sit and eat dinner. She so kindly came to our rescue and Todd and I had a wonderful dinner just chilling. It was nice.

Today - Transfer Day:

I woke up feeling good. Since Todd was off work he got the kids ready for school and took them. It was nice to just be able to relax and not rush. Today was the Run for Fun at the boys school and our appointment wasn't until after lunch so he was going to actually get to goto one of their events at school! It was also going to be the first big event i've missed for their school. I didn't want to go because I didn't want the added stress of everyone (so nice and genuinely concerned) asking how I was doing - Plus I had a blanket to make. LOL.

It was fun getting pictures from Todd's perspective of the boys. I was so proud!

He got back around 11 and we left to head downtown and grab lunch at La Madeleine. We got there by 11:45 and figured we had an hour to chill before the appointment. We get out of the car and Todd goes..... oh shit. He LOST HIS DRIVERS LICENSE. He had taken it out of his wallet to check in at school for run for fun and it must of fallen out. See the problem here is simple. With all the consents and   papers that have to be signed, you HAVE to have your ID in order to have the transfer. I could of shot him dead right there. I told him I had to have lunch and we would call the school while we ordered and if we had to call someone to help we would. So I frantically called my neighbor...... 4 times...... and when she didn't answer I called the school to check to see if anyone had turned it in. I guess my friend tried to call me in the process of me calling the school so she came straight to my house. Got off the phone with the school. No ID turned in. Called my friend and she was at my front door. Thank goodness for garage codes. She went in and searched our house and couldn't find it anywhere. But she was on it. She was going to call the tag agency and find out what documents we needed and was going to get them to Todd and meet him where ever we needed. OMG. Then todd thought to look in my car one more time. He went out there and poof... it had fallen between the seats. THANK GOODNESS!

So we finally got to the fertility office. We were early but came into the office laughing like crazy people. AHHHHH talk about an EMOTIONAL roller coaster.

We spoke to the doctor about embryo's and how many.... Sorry friends wanting 4 baby Worsham's we only put back 1! We put back a grade 4bb embryo. We will also have 2 to freeze.

I awkwardly gave her the blanket I made her.... at first she thought I was handing her a baby... It was funny. She was kind and at least acted like she liked it. If anyone sees a homeless person with a pretty blanket just don't tell me... LOL

We went back to the OR area again. Got suited up - instructions and then sent me back for the transfer. I was awake the whole time. It was anticlimactic. In and out in less than 15 min.  Then I had to lay flat for 30 min. After that I was free to go. Take it easy for the next couple of days and wait for my blood test next Friday.

Speaking of the blood test - when I started blogging about this I didn't think too far in advance about this. I will find out VERY early (4 weeks) if i'm pregnant or not. I wrestle with the fact that I want everyone to know and support me, BUT I also want to tell my boys first. See our boys love love LOVE babies. I mean they always ask when are we going to get one. I would hate for them to find out from someone inadvertently slipping and telling them. We want to be the ones that tell them. We want to be the ones to see the excitement on their faces. But we also don't want to see the heartache if something happens and there is no baby.... SO having said all of that. I think that we are going to wait to say anything until we see a heartbeat and are able to tell the boys too.

Thank you so much for following our journey. You have no idea what the support has meant to us. The high highs and low lows you guys have lifted me up when I have been down. Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts

xoxo