8 weeks 3 days post op....

Many of you have been asking me what the heck happened - we thought this was suppose to be out patient surgery!?! You should be better by now! 

Well the long and short is yes I SHOULD be better by now... That is if the surgery had gone according to plan. But it didn't. And I'm not. 

When I found out I had the hernia - and the type of hernia I had - I knew I was going to have the surgery. And I had an weird feeling it wasn't going to go well. I scheduled the surgery as soon as the doc could get me in on his schedule - knowing that if I had any major pains prior I had to goto the ER asap. Luckily I didn't have to do that. But I kept saying to Todd and my mom - I have a bad feeling about this surgery. I just don't think it's going to go as planned. And of corse - trying to keep me positive they would both say it's going to be fine and go just as planned. It will be ok! 

I tell you there is something about when you become a mother you develop this 6th sense. The one that can see danger before it happens. I've said that multiple times about the boys and all have come true 😁 - and I sensed it about this surgery. BUT I knew I had to do the surgery and I knew I had a wonderful surgeon that was going to keep me safe. 

So I wake up from surgery in A. L. O. T. of pain. I looked at the clock and noticed my 45 min surgery had lasted close to 3 hours. I asked the nurse if everything went as planned and was I going home. She said she thought so. I asked if I had a big incision. She said no, she didn't think so. (Basically she had no clue about anything) they had already taken out my catheter and in her mind she was waiting for the discharge papers. It took about 30 min to get my pain under control and by that point I was realizing that there was more to the story than she knew. After waiting an hour I asked if my husband could come in. She went and got Todd and he proceeded to tell us what happened and I was NOT being discharged. 

This is what happened. 

 I debated sharing this picture. It's gross. My stomach is SOOOOO swollen. I have 35 staples. But I don't think people grasp the gravity of my surgery until they see this picture. I did blur it out so you arnt totally grossed out - but you get the idea. 8 inch vertical incision with 5, yes FIVE laparoscopic entrance points. 

Basically what happened was doc went in with the laparoscopic entrance points and found that from the surgery (where the doctor almost killed me) she had also created a lot of scar tissue and my intestines were adhered to my abdominal wall. He couldn't do anything or see anything without opening me up and start taking down all the adhesions. They were so bad that he ended up having to stitch up a large portion of my intestines. He said he never saw a full perforation but because of the adhesions it was so thin he was afraid my intentions might rupture if he didn't stich them up. Then after my hernia was fixed and so were my intestines - he added a piece of 'mesh' so that I wouldn't have another hernia develop. The mesh was attached to my abdominal wall with 40 tacks. 

Off I went to recovery and my extra super 7 day long hospital stay. 

After being released from the hospital I was put on restrictions for 8 weeks post op. Which meant I can't pick up anything more than 10 lbs for 8 weeks. Luckily this time my boys are both bigger and I truly didn't pick up anything at all. I have the best support system. My mom came over and did laundry. My dad came over and did dishes. Todd made sure the boys were taken care of. I had friends bring dinners. Friends take my kids. Friends take care of the dogs. Friends come over to bring lunch and 'babysit' me. A friend I've known since elementary school who is now a surgeon and actually shadowed under my doctor at one point - took time out of her day to reassure me on more than one occasion. Care packages from complete strangers praying for me. The outpouring of support was incredible. I seriously couldn't ask for better friends. How did I get so lucky?  

Even with all the support - sitting on the couch day in and day out can be trying on you. I've probably cried more tears in the past 8 weeks than I have in the last 8 years. Why? Because I have a pain that won't. Go. Away. 

At 2 weeks post op my surgeon said 'oh yeah. That was our original entrance point. It's going to be sore - take longer to heal. Then at 4 weeks post op when it still hadn't gone away he said 'well it could be your new normal'. My new what?!! The pain is so bad it stops me dead in my tracks. Tears develop in my eyes because it hurts so bad until I sit down and then eventually laying down makes it go away. 

Second Doctor said the same thing. 

Third same. 

Basically they think that when the mesh was attached with the tacks it could be attached in that one spot to a nerve - only fix - surgery which probably wouldn't fix it. And nerve medicine. Which takes 4 - 6 weeks to notice anything. But I couldn't start that medicine until 8 weeks post op because 'it still could get better' 

We had planned a trip to St. Louis. I was not going to ruin this trip. I doped up on pain meds and pushed through all the walking. I did ok. 

The pain sorta got better for a few days last week. Not gone but not as strong. And then it came back again. With a vengeance. 

Monday the doctor put me on nerve medicine. He said it's worth a shot but that he was hopeful since it did go away for a few days - that maybe you just needed more rest. Maybe instead of 8 weeks of restrictions - I needed 12 weeks or even 4 months. 

I've gained 10+ pounds sitting on the couch for 8 weeks. I've watched more Netflix series from start to finish I can't even count. The thought of sitting on the couch for 8 more weeks is daunting. I'm bored. Tired of sitting. Depressed. You name it. 

Yesterday I tried to sit at my computer and do some work. I had a deadline of sept 15th that I knew I wasn't going to be able to make - but in my mind I could by the end of September. I sat for an hour in my chair and I was in pain the rest of the day. Today I sat there for 15 min and it started hurting. I stopped.  

Right now I've just decided I'm going to sit. While the kids are at school I will sit. My kids may have lunchables in their lunch everyday becaus I haven't had a chance to goto the store - but that's just how it's going to be. They are in heaven btw. (And I'm fairly sure it's because there is a piece of candy in them - mom you don't put dessert in our lunches unless there is a lunchable 😝)

So that's that. Let's hope a few more weeks of couch sitting and/or the nerve medicine starts working. 

If you need me you know where to find me. 

Thanks for all the love and support - if you made it to the end of this long drawn out post - thank you for reading! Ha! 

Xoxo 

Katie 

BTW - suggestions for Netflix series and or book recommendations?!! 

Ohhhh I almost forgot. The reason for starting up my blog to begin with.... IVF. The big question everyone has been wanting to ask and very few have actually asked. Are you still going to do the frozen transfer? The answer is no, and maybe. Right now I just don't see it being ok. The doctors say that a few months post op the mesh should be fine to get pregnant again. But I just don't know if I'm up for the complications it might bring. Is it worth it? Being sick again? My boys have been through more than they should in their short lives. But we really want another baby. Who knows what will happen. What the next year will bring. So as of now we have no plans to use the final embryo. But who knows..... What will 2016 bring. I never thought 2014 would be as crazy as it was (the flood) and 2015 has proved crazier (IVF & the surgery that just won't go away) 

We shall see.

Nothing is ever as you plan.

SOOOO. It's almost August. The month we were suppose to start the next round of IVF. We decided that even though the last round was hard - I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I left that one embryo untouched. So I wouldn't have to repeat a $600 test required by the FDA every 6 months the August/September cycle was the cycle I would need to be on. I've been mentally preparing myself to jump on the bandwagon and get it started.... 

And in early June i noticed a bulge on my stomach. I showed it to Todd  and a few friends who all said I needed to get it checked out. Well I was frankly done with doctors and didn't want to make an appointment just for that. So a month later i casually brought it up at a routine doctors visit. I thought it could be a cyst from the fertility meds - The doc immediately had suspicions of a hernia (never even on my radar - even though one friend suspected that) and asked if I wanted to have a follow up CT scan. I decided that yes, for my piece of mind I would like to have the scan. He told me that a lot of times hernias can develop from incisions and it wouldn't be any big deal to wait till another surgery (c-section or something else) to have it repaired. I asked him what it involved and he suspected it was just some fat tissue that had broken through and they would just push it back in and sew it up - no big deal. 

So I go into the CT thinking it's going to tell me I have a 'fat' hernia and I will live with it. Well naturally that wasn't the case. Of corse I have a hernia that involves more than fat. It's a part of my intestines (insert eye roll here). AND can not be left untreated. Oh yah and the only cure is surgery (insert huge annoyance here). 

So here I sit. On the eve of my 11th or 12th surgery (I've seriously lost count now) hoping everything goes smoothly tomorrow and it is as 'routine' as a surgery I have can be. 

I always have to look at the positive. Do I like having surgery - uh no. BUT i am alive and semi-well. Have a beautiful family - and am thankful I'm not pregnant right now dealing with this issue. I can only imagine the pain I would be going through. 

So - I guess the answer to the long awaited question is yes, we will be trying the last embryo - And hopefully before the end of 2015 - BUT it's not going to be the timeline I had expected. I will wait until I am healthy and cleared by my doctors to proceed. 

Good vibes in the morning please! :) 

What's next? - IVF Journey

Family night at Bedlam

The past few days have been good. Friday was a tough day - but at the last min we got tickets to the bedlam game at OneOK field - had a wonderful time with just our family. Cooper had a baseball tournament Saturday & Sunday - I was able to stay busy - which is exactly what I needed. Saturday morning was a little rough... but I got the best hug from the sweetest girl at just the right time. We really truly are a very blessed family. We have the most amazing family and friends. It was only fitting that Friday night I had a delayed allergic reaction to the progesterone shots and found out on Monday that these gems (giant itchy welts on my bum) could be with me for the next 2 weeks...... Fun times for sure! 

Waiting for the doc watching the tornado's in OKC

Today we had our follow up appointment with our doctor. I don't know why but I have not been looking forward to this appointment - They had an appointment Monday I could of taken but decided to wait until Todd could come. There wasn't anything I was expecting my doctor to say. I knew what she was going to say - I knew there was a 40% chance the embryo would take - I knew that meant the odds were not in our favor. I think i just didn't want to bring back up all those emotions. I've been really good the past two days. Had a great support system this weekend - stayed busy. But walking into the office today just brought it all back up again.

The doc was running late - which was fine. I knew she spent the time with us before and others had to wait so I was totally fine waiting. But siting there was brutal. I kept trying to keep conversation away from the obvious. Its spring time in Oklahoma and unfortunately there was a tornado emergency in OKC so we live streamed the coverage for 30 min waiting on her. Passed the time, which I was thankful for. 

I knew what I wanted to do but asked her which would be better. Give my body a break for a few months and then put in the last embryo - or get on the next cycle and go for it now. I was happy to hear her response of giving my body a break. I now can enjoy my summer by the pool.... with sangria in hand! HA! : ) 

So the plan for now is this - take the summer off and do the FET (frozen embryo transfer) cycle in September. 

I'd be lying to everyone if I didn't say I wasn't overly confident. I go into this next round VERY pessimistic. But I don't think I could live with myself if we didn't use the one last embryo. All the what if's - I want to leave this process knowing we did everything we could - and leaving that last embryo would mean we didn't do everything we could. 

I want to thank everyone for your support. I know I keep saying that but I truly mean it and can't express my gratitude enough. I'm so glad I decided to put this all out there. Don't get me wrong, posting Friday was one of the hardest things i've done - Todd still hasn't read it. The love i've received from the high high's and low low's has just been amazing. 

xoxo

The Blood Test - IVF Journey

<0.5 HCG - What does that mean? Well It means it was negative and the round of IVF was unsuccessful. Am I sad, disappointed, mad, angry, annoyed ---- The answer is yes.

I don't know what else to say other than the numerous calls and texts this morning really made the waiting go by much faster... and I thank you guys for that. Thank you for following us on our journey. We don't know if this is the end of the line for us or not yet. We do have 1 frozen embryo that we can still use but right now i'm not sure we are going to go through it again or not.

We have a follow up with our doctor on Wednesday. I've only gotten to talk to Todd on the phone - so there will be a long discussion before we make any more decisions.

For now i'm going to be sad - kids get out of school in 3 hours and going to surprise them with going to see the avengers.... cooper got it taken away - call me a bad mom for not sticking to my guns and saying he can't go.... but tonight i can't sit at home with a sad 8 year old while his brother goes and sees the movie he's been waiting for for over a year. and guess what. i'm going to embrace the boy mom title and go see it with them.

Thank you so much for following us on this journey. While I am sad at this outcome I hope that i've brought some light to the scary dark place that is infertility.

(silver lining.... no more progesterone shots! HA!)

xoxo

The Waiting Game - IVF Journey

So yeah. The phrase 'hurry up and wait' has been uttered sooooooo many times in this process. Now we are in the 'lets wait' phase. I did lay on the couch for 3 days after the transfer. One of the medicines they had me on after the retrieval had made me crazy and super sick. I was just starting to feel better when the transfer day came - but thought it would be best to rest for 3 days just in case.

We've been keeping busy with baseball and more baseball. I really haven't thought too much about my blood test that is at the end of the week. I was just thinking tonight driving to the grocery store 'i can't believe i just went through IVF'. For so long I was so not doing it - and this all happened so fast I still can't believe that it happened and is already over. Overall i'm feeling good. The shots have been totally fine - lidocaine is my friend. I can't imagine having to do them without it.

Todd is kinda cracking me up. I said from the beginning that I didn't want to take a pregnancy test before the blood test. I just wanted to wait it out (for those of you that know me this is TOTALLY NOT my personality) I figured we've waited this long and there isn't any issues with timing - we know that all that possibly could be done has been done so i just wanted to wait. Todd asked me 2 days ago and said 'Well do you have a test at home?' I was like no! I don't want one and plus we are like 10 days off from test day dude! LOL He's asked me twice since then. (I think someone is a little excited)

But for now we wait.

I realized in the last post I said I didn't goto run for fun because I didn't want people asking me questions and i'm afraid it came out wrong. See I had been on meds the previous 4 days before that which were making me crazy. I felt like shit. my mind was racing. my head was throbbing. and I felt like i might burst out in tears if anyone said anything at all to me.... so it wasn't that I didn't want people to ask me questions because I didn't want to answer them... it was because I didn't want to embarrass myself with my crazy-crying self.

I feel that I've over shared - but have been overwhelmed with the support from everyone. From the funny texts about my uterus to the shirtless men pics - you guys seriously rock my world!

Thank you Thank you Thank you!

xoxo